When You Fall Off the Board
Why setbacks are an important part of learning to cope.
Jen Valenzuela-Sliger
6/26/20263 min read
Every Surfer Ends Up in the Water
The first post in this series taught us that we can't choose the waves, but we can choose the board we ride them with by developing healthy coping skills.
The second post taught us to understand the wave a little better by learning to name our emotions.
The third post focused on what it actually looks like to ride the wave—to build coping skills that extend far beyond breathing exercises or grounding techniques.
Now comes one of my favorite parts.
I have a feeling most people wouldn't say the same.
Because now we have to talk about what happens when we still fall off the board.
"I Should Know Better"
Listen—every surfer ends up in the water.
Some waves knock us clean off the board.
Even after we've practiced.
Even after we've grown.
Even after we've learned healthier ways to cope.
We still text the ex.
We still shout at our kids.
We still avoid the hard conversation.
We still get overwhelmed by anxiety.
We still have panic attacks.
We still find ourselves reacting in ways we thought we'd outgrown.
And it's so thoroughly human to have that moment—the one where you're floating in the water thinking,
"I did all of this for nothing."
"Have I not learned anything?"
If you've ever had that thought, you're in good company.
The Fall Isn't the Failure
Part of the reason this section of the journey is one of my favorites is because falling off the board gives us another opportunity to learn something about ourselves.
Not despite the fall.
Because of it.
This is where everything we've been building toward begins to matter.
Not perfect coping.
Not perfect emotional regulation.
Self-trust.
Trusting Yourself More Than You Did Yesterday
When we fall, we get to discover whether we believe our progress disappeared with the wave.
Or whether we trust that we've actually become someone different.
Someone with more resilience.
Someone with more awareness.
Someone who can climb back onto the board carrying a little more knowledge of the ocean than they had before.
Because every wave teaches us something.
Especially the ones that knock us down.
Looking in the Mirror
Eventually, every one of us has to stand in front of the mirror after a difficult moment.
Maybe we lost our temper.
Maybe we shut down.
Maybe we slipped into an old coping pattern.
Maybe we disappointed ourselves.
And eventually we have to ask the person staring back,
"Now what?"
Perfectionism usually has an answer ready.
"You should have known better."
"You've worked too hard to make this mistake again."
"I guess you haven't changed after all."
Anxiety often joins in.
"See? You aren't ready."
"You're back where you started."
But self-trust tells a different story.
What Self-Trust Sounds Like
Self-trust doesn't pretend the fall didn't happen.
It doesn't excuse it.
It doesn't ignore the places where repair may be needed.
Instead, it quietly says,
"Of course the goal wasn't to never fall again."
The goal was to become the kind of person who keeps learning.
Who gets curious.
Who takes responsibility.
Who repairs what needs repairing.
Who becomes a little stronger every time they climb back onto the board.
That's resilience.
Not perfection.
Growth.
You're Still Learning the Ocean
If you're expecting yourself to ride every wave perfectly, you're setting yourself up to believe that one fall erases months—or years—of growth.
It doesn't.
You're still sharpening your skills.
You're still learning the ocean. And the ocean keeps changing.
You're still becoming someone who trusts themselves a little more with every wave.
And maybe that's the real goal.
Not staying on the board forever.
But knowing you'll get back on it.
Every single time.
One Last Question
So after the wave has passed...
After you've replayed the conversation.
After you've apologized.
After you've regulated again.
After you've learned what there is to learn from yet another setback.
After you've climbed back onto the board...
Look in the mirror and ask yourself:
"What? Are you going to quit surfing now?"
Ready to take the first step? Email or text me! I also provide a free 15 minute phone consultation (optional) to make sure I am a good fit for your mental health needs.
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